Tomorrow I’m going for a biopsy.
And…
I’m scared…
Scared of the biopsy?
No, I’m scared of what they might find out.
Cos you’re scared of dying?
No, cos… my birthday weekend and that… like I have just had three days with lots of the people I love… and I really enjoyed that and them… and I’m scared of how it will make them feel if they have to watch me die… like it wont be easy for them…
And thats your responsibility?… to not die so they don’t feel bad or hurt or something… ?
Yeah, kind of… like I don’t want to cause them pain…
You might be bigging yourself up a bit much there mate…
Yeah, totally… I know that… and this… I’ve always been worried about the impact I have on people I love… you know, the not enuf, could have been kinder, more considerate thing… and something about going now… dying… scare’s me… but not for anything to do with the dying, cos I’m kinda ready for that… I’m getting on and am tired a lot and that… less able to do all the stuff I loved to do… and I’ve done plenty stuff… so not scared of the dying bit… just scared of saying goodbye to those I love… for them somehow… feel like I’m letting them down… as mad as that sounds and feels…
Ok, well maybe ask them if they’re ok with you going then? Ask them if they’re gonna be ok with you going… and ok when you’ve gone?
Aye, u maybe right there… thanks. Not sure I’m that brave… or that I want to hear what they say…
I get that… just have to buck up I guess…
Yeah, your probably right on that too… don’t feel like bucking up any more… feels like I’ve been bucking up all my fucking life…
So that others are ok?
Maybe… or some sort of pride… vanity… shame? I’m not sure about anything just now…
Were you ever…
laughs… no… course not… smiles.
The biopsy might be alright anyway, no?
Yeah, most likely it will… and I’m not even sure thats what I want… argh… just not able to get anything straight at the moment…
Well, thats understandable too mate… you know all that stuff you do for others… the slowing down and letting go and what do you call it… grounding… maybe you can do that for yourself hey?
Aye for sure… Healer heal thyself… I love that… and the image of Jesus being a proper crunched up visible crip… makes it much easier to think of him as a big hearted guy and that… you know… kind and brilliant… totally woke… and totally broken all along somehow… you know what I mean?
Not really… not at all… but that’s not new for me mate… you’ve always been a fucking mysterious, convoluted, twisted… over thinker to me… but I hear you… give us a hug and put the kettle on hey… and btw…
Yeah?
I’ll be just fine with you going, if only for your sake… just so you know like… ok?
Yeah, thanks… I think?
Hugs and smiles…
This did come from a slightly shorter talk between two voices in my head this morning… and it showed up as I was feeling scared about the results of the biopsy I am going for tomorrow… my take on having that internal two person chat was that I am really tired… feeling old and broken and grumpy… after spending four days and one late night with people I really love and feel loved back by.
God knows this whole body composting vibe just now is showing up all sorts of needs for honesty and cutting to the chase… and one of the outcomes from yesterdays real face to face conversation with a young friend at a bar round the corner from me… was something around not needing an explanation… for the first time in my life… like it used to be so important that I had an explanation for why you treated me that way… or why I treated you like that… as if once you said;
” because I no longer loved you ”
or ” because you were a thoughtless prick yesterday”
or ” I don’t know, maybe I was just bored.”
then I would be ok with that, or you would?
Wtf… I pushed so hard to understand as if that would make stuff better… when it was possible there was no one reason, no knowing why?
So, these words floated around within me while making a cuppa and helped me in ways I don’t understand or need to.
Apologies for some of the cruel, inconsiderate language in this stream of unfiltered consciousness… I couldn’t think of a way that I could adjust it that would represent the things that were showing up… and thats on me, sorry.
Pic from a visit to UCH for the blood tests that showed up the need for tomorrows’ biopsy… the NHS are one the best things that we Brits have ever done, don’t let those who don’t need it take it from us, lets speak up while it is still ours, hey? #fuckpalantir https://goodlawproject.org/campaign/stop-palantir-in-the-nhs/